It is a melancholy object to hear of these tales in which the college students emerge with a degree in their respective fields who cannot locate a job to pay back their $200,000 worth of loans. The nation’s middle class is being strangled by taxes and by the price of college education. Of course the wonderful financial aid system does little to mollify the plight of the middle class student. The higher class student’s parents will fund his education without fear of being drowned in debt. The lower class students will receive plentiful financial aid in the form of need-based grants. Where does this leave the middle class student? He is left in between a colossal loan and a hard place. This financial burden is not left solely on the middle class student; it is also placed on the backs and minds of his parents who are unable to provide for their child. There is no feeling worse than the feeling of inadequacy in providing for one’s progeny. Failure will descend and conquer faster than the loan statements.

I think it is agreed by all parties that the workforce is becoming increasingly difficult to penetrate, especially in times of economic crisis. Numerous people have found themselves jobless and unable to provide for their kin. It is imperative that we have an intelligent managerial and administrative workforce. Below these administrators and executives, numerous positions are required to perform the work necessary for this great nation to prosper. The commonwealth will benefit from this modest proposal.

My intention is to provide intelligent youth the positions they rightfully deserve and those less than stellar students the positions below those residing in academia. In addition, it would reduce the financial burden of college education on those families suffering currently. Finally, starvation and the constant need for clothing and shelter will be obliterated.

In pondering this necessary subject, I am satisfied that this plan is far more useful and fair than that of my colleagues. This will prevent the need for affirmative action and be based solely on one’s mental capabilities. In this proposal, any student scoring below a 1050 or with a GPA lower than 3.1 will not be admitted to college, unless they have the means to fund it without federal aid. The federal aid will be henceforth provided to students scoring above 1050 and with a GPA greater than 3.1. These more intelligent students will have their college fees paid for by the government, so these fees need not be a burden on themselves or their parents. Those with higher scores will automatically be chosen to attend one of the more prestigious institutions on their list. For example a student scoring a 1540 on the math and reading section and a GPA of 3.85 will automatically be able to chose from Yale, Harvard, Stanford, and so forth. Should the student dislike the school they chose to attend, they will be allowed one transfer to another comparable institution. Once graduating from college, the students may pursue graduate programs or be placed in an available position in their field. The graduate programs will also be funded by the government in order to further promote intelligence in the U.S. The job placement system will create endless opportunity to those with intelligence and dedication. No longer will college students be without a job to repay those immense loans. Those students who score below 1050 on the critical reading and math section will be appointed jobs under their more intelligent peers, unless they have a means to fund their education. This implementation will create jobs for most of the country and will fulfill the needs of this democracy. In order to further open job markets people above age 65 will have to relinquish their jobs and accept social security if they so desire. Those citizens unwilling to accept or unable to retain their job position will be given 5 years to find a job they are willing to perform. If they decide against working for the betterment of their family and mankind, they shall be relocated to another nation of their choice. For example an undesirable may defect to the Netherlands to smoke all the marijuana he desires. These undesirables being evicted from this great nation will allow for less consumption of food and clothing, thus reducing the percentage of those in poverty. Wishing not to contribute to the US economy, they would apparently better suited to a nation not based on capitalism and consumerism. Should there be an individual with a disability, mental or physical who is unable to perform work, their basic living expenses shall be covered by the government. In addition, the very rich who need not work, may pay a sum of $400,000 to the government to waive their citation for removal.

Some of you may be asking foolish questions to yourselves. What if those countries do not wish to have former Americans permeating their borders? I would merely say that many angry countries and terrorist groups are hungry for American hostages. You may be asking what happened to the American prospect of self determination. I would merely say that those people unqualified to attend college had the right of self determination for 18 years- they relinquished that by making a joke of their grades. You may be asking what of these citizens older than 65 who still wish to work. I would merely say that they are in denial and having worked all their lives, they must be becoming senile. There are obviously no real flaws in this proposal.
The Obama administration apparently agrees that this proposal is the best course of action it has yet heard of to aid the economy and college price crisis. Beginning in spring 2010, President Obama will implement the new proposal. He even went as far as saying, “the very nature of this plan is ingenious. In fact it is with regret that I cannot contribute it to myself.” The President is not the only individual enthralled with the plan. The president of Harvard, Dr. Drew Faust said, “while I need not fret over the intelligence of those in my institution, I have, in my discussions with other vociferous professors at various institutions learned that the influx of college bounds students is becoming increasingly stupid and irrational. The need for intelligent students should supersede the infinitely high college education costs.” I profess that the this proposal is solely designed to aid this great country and its great citizens. Of course I will be attending a fine institution in the fall, because I scored above a 1050 on my SATs and have a GPA higher than 3.1.